


Hold me tightly but not too close

by Sapphicdaydreams



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M, OP projecting onto Eddie big time, angst but fluff?, bulimia and binge eating, eating disorder tw, eddie is recovering, pretty soft really Eddie is just sad :(, recovery focused, richie is comforting Eddie, this is a cope fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 17:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17492507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphicdaydreams/pseuds/Sapphicdaydreams
Summary: Eddie kaspbrak has struggled with eating disorders since he was a child and they still haunt him today. Richie Tries to be the best boyfriend he can to Eddie. Eddie tries to brave it himself but sometimes he just needs a little comfort.





	Hold me tightly but not too close

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my personal experiences struggling with eating disorders and isn’t not a testiment to anyone else’s experiences. If you are struggling with ED I don’t know if I can suggest reading this fic as it could be potentially very triggering.  
> Most things Eddie says are things that I have done so please be mindful if/when criticizing this fic.

Eddie laid on his back on the bed with his headphones in, not listening to what was playing. His entire body felt like pins and needles, vibrating static that made his limbs sensitive to even dust particles. He didn’t dare move, and hadn’t for hours, because if he moved he knew he’d have a break down and he just didn’t need that right now.  
Eddies stomach grumbled and ached and it made his brain hurt. He was trying so damn hard to be recovery focused so he knew he was supposed to hate the feeling, but he couldn’t help but feel a hint of pride at the ache in his gut. It was the same way he felt pride when he was cold compared to everyone else in a room, he knew he shouldn’t but fuck if a small part of his brain didn’t need just love it. Those things meant he was finally pretty, but then again fuck no they didn’t. “Being starving isn’t pretty”, he spoke to the empty room. “Can you just fuck off?”, Eddie whined and put his hands over his eyes, “it’s been 9 god damn years please just let me eat like a normal human”. Speaking to his eating disorder like it was another person was something he did often, it seemed to sometimes help to seperate it from his brain for a while but right now was not one of those times.

———-

6 hours. Eddie has counted 6 hours since he had last eaten. He had been hungry for the past 2 but putting anything in his mouth seemed near impossible. Even the thought of eating felt like giving up and made his eyes water in fear. He had eaten 1000 calories today and by now it was 9pm. He knew he was supposed to eat atleast 1800 as requested by his previous dietitian but it was so hard. Eddie kept trying to remember he should eat more but his brain wouldn’t hear it. It felt as though there was a barrier there, the second he spoke the specifics of how little he consumed his brain would just freeze and block it out. He hated that. So fucking much. So so fucking much. He was so angry. This disorder had robbed his body and mind of so much and it still wasn’t gone. He felt himself tear up. “God damn it no not right now”, he whispered, as the small droplets in his eyes got larger and began to run down his cheeks. The tears were slow and warm, he could feel them go down his face and over his neck which made him cringe. He hated his neck. Double chin. He hated everything. He couldn’t even think. 

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and the jingle of keys. ‘Fuck’, Eddie thought to himself. “Hey Eds, suprise it’s me! You’re faaaaavorite boy toy!”, Richie’s voice boomed from the now closing doorway. Eddies eyes went wide, he couldn’t let Richie know he was struggling, he couldn’t fucking do it, he couldn’t- “hey Eddie”, Richie had entered the room. Eddie looked up at his boyfriend, wishing and trying to will the tears away. He hated seeming weak, and at the rate his recovery process had been declining in the past few days he couldn’t take talking to richie about it yet again. “Hey babe, what brings you here, no head up?”, Eddie tried to let out a laugh but it felt forced and weak. Richie furrowed his eyebrows and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at Eddie, “I came to suprise you with snacks and a movie night”, he paused, “are you okay baby?”.  
The genuine concern in Richie’s voice made Eddies skin crawl, being cared for was nice but damn if it didn’t make him feel guilty. “You know the answer to that Richie but I don’t want to worry you”, Eddie looked away ashamed, “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can do movie night”. Richie frowned further in worry as he looked down at Eddie, “but baby I want to know, it’s my job to worry”. “No it’s not Richie”. “Yes Eddie, it is”, he leaned down and brushed his thumb over Eddies cheek. Eddie whimpered, “No richie. Please don’t worry. I’m meant to have this happen or I’ll never be attractive”, he regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. Eddie didn’t want compliments he didn’t want to have Richie make him feel attractive, well fuck he did want it but he didn’t deserve it. “Baby, you know that I think you are the prettiest boy in the world right?”, Richie kicked off his Sandles and moved to lay down next to Eddie. “I know what you think Richie”, Eddie said almost shortly, “but it doesn’t make it right”. “Yes it does Eddie, I’m always right remember”, Richie said to try and get a smile from his boyfriend. “No richie not on this”, Eddie moved closer to Richie’s chest, “Richie I’m so ugly”. Richie started to reply but Eddie hissed out, “no richie let me talk”. “ I’m ugly richie. I don’t care what you say. I’m ugly and fat and disgusting. When people see us together they pity you for being with me. When people see me in public they laugh because they may be fat but thank god they aren’t as fat as me right?”, Eddie laughed sadly, “I’m disgusting. If I wasn’t disgusting then why did everyone at my school tell me so? Why do people stare at me in public? Why can I not look in the mirror without wanting to cry? Richie I hate my body more than you will ever know and I can’t fucking tell you about it because I know it hurts you but richie it’s killing me”, Eddie cried. “Richie is killing me and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I go between not being able to eat to not being able to stop eating. I see empty bathroom stalls Richie and I feel so fucking tempted. I see vomit on floors and I feel jealous. I see the razors in the shower and I want nothing more than to take them apart and carve words into my skin because I’m fucking disgusting Richie I’m awful! And I don’t know how to fuck you don’t see that”, Eddie sobbed and almost screamed as he buried his head in Richie’s chest to signify he was done. All the things he wanted to say were said. And he knew it hurt Richie, he fucking knew it did but he had to say it. He had to. 

Silence hung in the air for a moment. Eddie crying and terrified he’d broken his boyfriend. “Eddie”, Richie said softly, “no offense but shut the fuck up”. Eddie started to cry harder now, hating harsh words. Richie cringed, shit. “Listen Eddie”, Richie said, moving his hand to sift through his boyfriends hair, “I love you but you’re wrong”.  
Richie kisses Eddies forehead and held him tight, “youre so god damn wrong baby”. Richie held Eddie right and kept kissing the top of his head as Eddie cried softly. “So wrong”.

After 30 minutes of silent holding, Eddies stomachs growled audibly. “Baby”, Richie said with a soft concern, “when did you last eat?”. “I don’t know like 6ish hours ago”, Eddie whispered knowing what Richie would say next. “And how much did you eat?”. “Enough I guess I don’t know richie I’m hungry but 1000 calories is a lot and I just don’t wanna eat and-“. Richie lifted up Eddies face to look at him. It was pink and puffy and swollen with drying and still wet tears. “We need to get food in you eddie, it’s a requirement”. Eddie spoke weakly, “Richie I don’t want to”. Richie looked in his eyes, “Eddie please, for me?”, and he gave Eddie the look. The look Eddie had come to know as the way richie looked when he was genuinely worried or scared, he’d seen it every time eddie hurt himself or Richie accidentally hurt Eddie. Eddie frowned, “fine”. 

———-

Richie and Eddie had a few snacks but Richie didn’t force anyhing too much and they watched a movie.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this to be longer but I’m in the middle of an ED breakdown rn and wrote this sporadically so sorry if it’s a yikes and is way more hurt than comfort.


End file.
